My daughter, my friend




Maddi and her ice cream
in Temecula, CA.

 

When I was pregnant with Lizzie, my 3-year-old Madeleine and I were picking up my favorite to-go food – Chipotle. As we scooped up our order (three bags of chips for Mrs Preggers), and headed for the door, Madeleine turned to me and said: “Mom, can I carry one of those bags for you?”

I thought – wow, is that my daughter? Or is that my friend? Friends know when you need help and offer it. Three-year-olds are generally a little more self-absorbed and wondering what you’re going to do for them. Madeleine is no ordinary three-year-old.

Every mom will say: “My child is different, she does (fill in the blank here).” And it’s true. All of our kids have their unique qualities that make us proud. Here’s my chance to say that Madeleine is different. Madeleine makes me proud.




Excited together to
welcome baby sister.

 

When I packed our suitcases this morning to leave Palm Desert, she stood by me and said, “Mom can I help you with anything?” Sure, help me figure out how to get this suitcase closed.

Maddi is always asking whether she can help with something, anything. She’ll toss a diaper, sit on the suitcase to make it close, rock Lizzie to sleep and sing her lullabies. When my grandmother wasn’t feeling well yesterday, Maddi was the first to inform all of us. She wasn’t frightened by grandma not being herself. Maddi just wanted to make sure grandma was OK. (She is fine now.)

Maddi and I like to have sushi together. She eats a plateful of rice balls and a dish of edamame while I get my sashimi (that I hope she will someday experiment with). We sit like two friends and have a conversation. Her opening question is usually: “So, what did you do today?” Does that sound familiar to any of you? It’s the first question I usually ask her when I pick up from preschool.

Maddi reminds me to have fun. We played the Hokey-Pokey at Long Beach Airport while waiting for dad to pick up our rental car. People probably stared, but I had fun. We built a pretend fire in a teepee at the Living Desert Palm Springs Zoo.

I have a lot of best friends, first my husband. But Maddi is fast becoming that friend who is my cheerleader; reminding me to have fun; making me laugh at every turn. She's there for me and has an intuition that stuns me, often! Maddi is going to be Lizzie's cheerleader, too.

I know the books and age-old wisdom say that parents should be parents. Our responsibility is not to be friends with our children but to teach them, discipline them, show them boundaries, enable them to be people who can be independent . The ultimate gold-star for us as parents is a successful child who is employed, buying their own food and sheltered somewhere other than the remodeled basement.

Being a parent is sort of like being a consultant. In both cases you are working yourself out of a job. My profession is actually as a consultant; I’m a temporary trainer. I go into a situation, let’s say the Finance Department is not communicating with the money-makers, the Development Department. I’m hired to figure out the problem, solve the problem, then teach them how to avoid the problem in the future. The best case scenario is that the problem is solved and I am no longer needed.

It’s a little different with kids, but the theory holds true.



Our four generations of women.



As parents we teach mobility, sometime around six months. Then we teach them to tie their shoes, dress themselves, do their homework. Before you know it, we’ve taught them to drive and are encouraging some form of higher education so that they will be able to support themselves. By this point, I’ve worked myself out of a job – my child (client) has become independent. And I did it – all on purpose!

However, in the dream of all dreams, that child will come back to you as a friend. She will want your mentorship and love. She may not need you to feed and shelter her, but she will need those hugs. She will need the unconditional love and the belief that only a parent has in their child. That's the friendship that my mom, grandma and I have now.

 I believe in Maddi and I believe in Lizzie. I hope I can instill confidence in them so that they will always know that I believe in them.